I’d like to expand on my blog from last week on parenting in the present. I stated that I was a much better teacher and parent when I’m present – this is because we must enter the present moment to connect.
I believe in order to truly connect with our child we must first be aware of our own unresolved issues. If we don’t go inward and work on ourselves then we project outwards, many times, onto our children. When we’re mindful, we’re aware of what we need to address in ourselves. When we’re mindless, we tend to overreact towards our children.
Mindfulness isn’t a goal. It’s paying attention to what’s happening right now. Accepting the present moment doesn’t always mean that you like what’s happening, it just means you accept things that are out of our control.
Doing the work is tough! I get it! But if we don’t do the work and parent ourselves first, then we have a tendency to project the absence of this on our children, in other words, we demand and expect more. So, the question is: “Are you living your authentic self?” If not, are you willing to do the work for your children? Doing the inner work is necessary for a healthy relationship with your child.
Often when I ask parents what they want for their children they say, “I just want them to be happy!” But what does that mean to you? Does meeting parents’ expectations make them happy? Are we projecting what we wanted onto them? Perhaps a lost dream?
Once we have addressed our own unresolves issues, we’re able to truly connect with our children in the present moment. That means accepting the moment for what it is, demonstrating how to enjoy the ordinary moments, being a conscious listener to your child, and teaching them that it’s ok to feel every emotion (whether that’s joy, happiness, pain, or frustration) without feeling guilty or judging themselves. Life is what it is! Challenging, difficult, easy, stressful, joyful…the list goes on. Just allowing each of us to be in the “flow” makes life more tolerable.
I love Dr. Shefali’s quote:
“Life is to be experienced as is, not about being happy.”
Let’s teach our children that rejection is inevitable, but that it shouldn’t affect their own sense of self-worth. Let them know that it’s ok to feel pain and encourage them to befriend their emotions. This way they can move through them without getting stuck. When we’re not allowed to express ourselves, these emotions may manifest into physical symptoms. Our children dive headfirst into their emotions and when we avoid the “mess” they often feel like they’re a burden or being annoying.
Our role as a conscious parent is to first heal any of our own unresolved issues. Once that happens, we will be better at remaining present and with this comes connection. When we’re connected, we bring back the joy of a parent-child relationship. Our attention is the greatest gift we can give our children!
Until next time…pay attention to where you are!!!